So, if today was a normal Monday I would be going in for chemo but guess what, I did not have chemo and I am sitting in bed after having just gone for a “run.” I use the term “run” very loosely because it’s not really a run and if you saw me running down the street you’d probably pull over and ask me if everything was ok. Anyway, I am chemo free and feeling pretty damn good about it. My last chemo was sort of surreal, I went in like normal except with the addition of my wonderful boyfriend Shane who took off work to come sit with me and my mom for four hours. We watched some movies, ate some Panera and just waited until the final IV was pulled out from my arm. Yes, once again, it was in my arm because my hand veins have all disappeared and I am left with a mangled mess. My arm isn’t looking so great either, two weeks later and I’m still incredibly bruised but you know what, things could really be worse. Shane also is a cutie and brought in a sign and some gifts to celebrate the end of this misery, I might have had to tell him to do it but at least he did! It was sweet and perfect and I am so incredibly lucky to have someone who tolerates my constant crying and my bald ass head. After this round I was insanely tired and in so much pain. I spent probably a full week in bed just praying it would go away. Good news, the pain has subsided and I’m back to feeling like a semi normal person. Even though my last chemo was two weeks ago it feels like a lifetime ago because so much has happened. I know a lot of you have been reaching out asking how everything has been going so I am here to share with you the wonderful news I have received.
The day after my last chemo I went back to Sloan to get another torturous MRI; to just give you a baseline of how much I hate these I will share with you the story of my first one. I went in when I still had hair for an MRI and because this was one of the first baseline tests I went in like it was no problem. The nurse was so nice and was very chipper. She was like “you’re my first patient of the day so I’m ready to go!” Great, hopefully you’re on your A game. She was not. She was explaining everything to me AFTER she shoved ear plugs in my ear so I barely knew what she was saying but I heard, do you want a blanket to which I said yes. Surprise, no blanket came. Then she said I’m going to give you this ball and if you have ANY problems during the test just squeeze it and I will run right in. I completely forgot about the ball until about 5 minutes in and my hand was numb and I was ball-less. To just give you a visual, a breast MRI with and without contour means that you get put into the MRI machine with an IV attached to your arm, halfway through they inject dye so that they can get better imaging. Now for those of you who have never had a breast MRI you go in laying on your stomach with your bare boobs shoved into these buckets underneath you; Because it was in my lymph nodes the lady who was positioning me was also trying to make sure that they were also inside the bucket. So, I was in this crazy position where my hands were up over my head and my armpit was laying right on the edge of the bucket, this is what caused my hand to go numb but I didn’t realize it at the time. I went into full blown panic mode, mostly because it was on the side same as my infected lymph nodes and at this point I constantly was thinking the worst. All I could think of was that I had cancer AND I was gonna walk out of this MRI with one less arm. Then I realized she didn’t give me the ball to squeeze so I really panicked. I kept trying to move my hands hoping someone would see me and come in. I was panicking and crying so I really have no idea how they got any good images but they did and I hoped out of that MRI real quick and all the feeling rushed back to my hand. I was still so traumatized that when I walked out and saw my mom I broke down into tears. Who would have thought that a simple MRI would mess me up, but it did. This is why I really didn’t want to go back in the day after chemo, I already wasn’t feeling well so the last thing I wanted to do was go lay on my stomach in an uncomfortable position for 40 minutes but obviously I went. This time wasn’t as terrible, my hand didn’t go numb but I thought I was going to throw up in my face rest for the whole time. I also heard through my ear plugs that I was breathing too heavy so they told me to try and breathe shallower and have you ever been able to breathe the way someone tells you. I kept trying to breathe shallower and then I would panic and start breathing like I had just run ten miles. It wasn’t great and I was convinced that I would need to redo it but thankfully after the 40 or so plus minutes I was free!
A few days later my mother being an insane person, called the doctor to see if someone could read the results and of course they read them to her and not to me which I’m still bitter about but we’ll move on (sorry mom!). So apparently all the nodules and nodes that they saw in the first MRI are now GONE, they said this is pretty much the best response I could have. The written report says that all the nodes normalized and the nodule that was 2.6 cm big in MRI #1 is not there in MRI #2. My surgeon’s PA actually just called me before I started writing and she said that this is a fantastic result and from a radiology standpoint I had a full response to the treatment, so now I have to wait to see what the pathology response will be. She said she can’t imagine it being much different but we’ll see after surgery! I am thrilled. When we got the report, my mom was literally reading it off like I had won the Noble Peace Prize walking around the house. She probably called everyone in her phone book. I still think she’s sleeping with it under her pillow, to be honest. Best news we could get, now let’s just hope surgery goes as well as this.
Speaking of surgery, as I was walking out from my last chemo I got a call from my surgeon’s assistant and they said they needed to reschedule it because my broccoli loving plastic surgeon was now going to a conference on the 6th. She originally asked if I could reschedule for the 13th to which I flipped out. 1. I am not getting surgery on Friday the 13th and 2. I am not waiting any longer. So, I begged her to see if she could do it earlier in the week then and guess what they scheduled me for Wednesday, October 4th. I am ready to get this part over with, actually more than ready. The only thing I am a little nervous for is that when I was originally scheduled for Friday, October 6th I was going to be the first surgery of the day which made me feel confident that the doctors would be ready to go, although I should have thought about my MRI nurse; but now on Wednesday I don’t even have a specified time because I’m not the first surgery of the day and I’ll find out like the day before what time I should be prepared to go under. I mean is it better that they’re warmed up or is it worse cause there’s the potential they’ll be tired? They do this all the time so I’m sure if they’re exhausted they’ll just have to reschedule me right? I’m not sure how that part works but I do know that I’ve been watching too much Grey’s Anatomy.
Now to move back to my whole getting back into my clothes situation. The day after my last chemo I called Good Eats to try and schedule my meal plan and they said I could pick my food up the same day. I was so excited because I was really determined to get back into shape. They have two options, the extreme plan or .. something else, I don’t really remember. Anyway I obviously went for the extreme plan cause I’m an extreme bitch and needed to jump back in with both feet. The extreme plan just meant that I couldn’t pick my food and there was very limited carbs, FINE, I can handle that. And to be honest I could, if it wasn’t for the fact that the whole system was AWFUL. Now, if you’re from Long Island you’ve probably heard of Big Al’s Gym and the place right next door called Good Eats, for a while I also went to Big Al’s cause it was cheap but then Fit Club opened up and I moved on from the dirty Big Al’s gym to the brand new Fit Club and I have no regretted it for a second even if I see people from my high school I would rather never run into again. For the next few moments, Sorry I AM NOT SORRY, if you go to, own, or frequent Good Eats because I was incredibly disappointed in every encounter I had. When I went to Big Al’s I tried out Good Eats a few times and to be honest it was pretty good so I was really looking forward to this meal plan. I picked up food for Days 1-2 and the food was pretty meh, no seasoning, very plain. Listen, I know I wasn’t eating at the Four Seasons but you could throw some pepper on some of this food to make it a little tasty. There’s also a shake that you have to drink on the extreme plan and she said this was the most important part of this plan. It contains vitamins and matcha and it’s supposed to enhance the program. Now remember what I just said, this is the most important part of the plan. The next week was off to a rough start, Day 1 I made the shake and went to drink it and I straight up thought that I had drank poison. It tasted like I opened a bottle of Windex and chugged it. I originally thought maybe my taste buds are off from finishing chemo so I had my mom taste it who immediately freaked out and called Good Eats. She was petrified that I had just finished chemo and then poisoned myself from some stupid meal plan. They said they had a bunch of calls in and they had messed up measuring and put too much Vitamin B powder in. To be honest, I’m calling bullshit and I think someone accidentally poured bleach powder into these drinks. Anyway, they said we could pick up new shakes for the next two days so we did. Also, not to mention this was the second time I had to go back in and pick something up. They forgot to put one of my oatmeal in my packages so I went back to pick it up and they then forgot it for another day. The lady that seems to be running the program felt bad so she had someone deliver the stuff they had forgotten for the second time, thanks for nothing! After these two fiascos, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt and hoped it would get better. Spoiler alert, it did not. Last week on Thursday I went to make my shake again and BAM, poison. I called and flipped out, they said they would pass along the message to the manager and I would be credited. So, yes, I cancelled and I’m back to being on my own trying to not eat pizza for every meal. But this is a warning to anyone who wants to try Good Eats, DON’T.
Even though my food game is not so strong I honestly think I’ve been doing pretty good with the whole working out thing. I pretty much gave myself no break after the last chemo. I jumped right back in to yoga and barre and even managed to walk 6 in a half miles on that Sunday. I really have been going full force since it’s been over which I’m starting to think might not have been the best idea. I started “running” Wednesday of last week, using my new app which is literally called “Running for Weight Loss.” To be real, it’s not really running per se, there’s also a lot of walking involved but I do enjoy saying “I’m going out for a run.” So, I’ll continue pretending that I’m actually running. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be but I actually enjoy it, it makes me feel like I’m really doing something, getting back in shape. I’ve also been doing two-a-days which is probably not the smartest and I should maybe relax but I am determined to get my god damn jeans not to not suffocate me before my first surgery. They’re still really tight and it’s really disheartening. I’m the first person that knows that diets and working out don’t work at the snap of the finger but I assumed being off of SOME of my medications would help me out but shock, they didn’t. I also asked my doctor before my last chemo and she said her patients do have a really hard time losing the weight because of every medication I have been on and will be for the next 5 years, slows down your metabolism. GREAT, this really sucks but I am going to continue trying, I am not defeated just yet. I just have a little extra to love.
The reason I said that I don’t know if pushing myself this hard is a good idea is because I did just get off the phone with my surgeons PA and she said that my White Blood Cell count down is a little lower than average. Throughout my entire chemo treatment, I’ve apparently kept a pretty consistent WBC count; there were never any issues about me getting treatment and all the nurses always said my count was great. Apparently if your WBC is too low they can’t do treatment so they have to wait until it’s back up, thankfully this never happened to me. But today she said a normal “healthy” person has a count of 3.4, I only have a 3. She’s confirming with the plastic surgeon’s team to see if I have to go back in for some tests. If my WBC count is too low I’m more susceptible for infection so they have to see if it’s too low. I’m not sure why it’s down so much so I’m trying to think of things I’ve changed in the past two weeks which was the increase of physical activity and WINE AND SUSHI. Yes, you read that right, I finally was able to dig in to some sushi and have some wine. I got the ok to eat sushi and “sip” some wine just a few days after my last treatment so I immediately called and made a reservation at Minami for that Sunday. To amp up that weekend, it was also a friend of mine’s birthday on Saturday and I had my first drink which was very exciting. It wasn’t the best glass of wine I had but it was definitely the most fun, I was even a little tipsy off of only one glass. Then on Sunday, our reservation was for 6PM but I couldn’t even wait that long and I walked in the doors at 5:15PM. We ordered so much food that I probably could have fed the other parties in the restaurant. It was delicious and all I’ve wanted since day 1 of chemo, even talking about it right now is making me want to have it for dinner tonight. But now I’m back to being panicked, did eating sushi make my blood count go down and now I might not be able to have surgery? Did having two glasses of wine since my last chemo make my cancer come back? I have done extensive reading on that last question and some things I’ve read calm my nerves but a lot of things that I read make me feel even worse. I had another glass of wine this Saturday and that will be my last until surgery. Now I’m afraid that drinking is constantly going to make me crazy and I will always think that the cancer is back, so maybe I’ll quit. Probably not though but it’s scary that the really don’t know the right answer. I just want to be back to normal and I know that won’t be for a long time which is extremely frustrating because there is literally nothing I can do about it.
I went to Boston this weekend with my parents and Shane. We’ve been talking about going away after my last treatment for a while so I could just get away and not think about all the shit going on. We opted for Boston after much debate because it’s one of my favorite cities and I still have so many friends there. As we pulled in I honestly forgot I was sick for a second, I felt normal and was so excited to be back in this perfect place that was my home for five years. Then just as easily as I forgot, I remembered and the tears started coming. I was doing so well for a while and I hadn’t cried but this weekend was a tear-filled weekend. The last time I was there, I was normal and not sick, at least I didn’t know I was yet, and I was able to go out and do whatever I wanted and didn’t have to throw on a wig to walk outside of my hotel room. Now, I’m not saying I didn’t have so much fun this weekend, I just wish it was different. I was able to see my friends and go out and pretty much do everything I wanted to but there was just a little cloud over me reminding me that I was still in the thick of this bullshit. I know in time I’ll be able to go back to Boston and feel normal and be normal and walk around in my short haircut like I own the place but for now, everything is a little cloudy and I’m just waiting for it to lift.
If you follow me on Facebook I’m sure you saw that I surpassed my goal of raising $10,000 for the Avon 39: The Walk to End Breast Cancer. As I have said before, I am completely overwhelmed with the generosity of each and every one of you. I honestly didn’t even think I would be able to raise the required $1,800 and here I am at almost $11,000. I just want to say thank you to everyone who has donated, it really means a lot to me and I don’t even have the words to express how grateful I am. If you haven’t donated yet and you’d like to, the link to do so is here.
Even with the good news, things are a little cloudy cause I’m just really ready to be normal again. I’m ready to have hair and eyebrows and eyelashes. I’m ready to be able to run without getting winded after the first minute. I am ready to put on my god damn pants and not feel like a sausage. I am just ready to get back to the old Kim Clabby before my world was turned upside down but for now I’ll be attempting to balance on the ceiling as best as I can.
Until next time
xoxo
Kim