Good news team, we have a date set for surgery! October 6th I will be heading into the operating room to get my double mastectomy. HURRAY! To be honest, I’m so excited and wish that it was literally tomorrow. It’s a very weird feeling being excited for something that is definitely going to suck but I’m just pumped to be one step closer to being done with this. I met with the new plastic surgeon last week and literally fell in love with him. The second he walked through the door I was like THIS IS MY DOCTOR. One of the main reasons was because the entire time he was sitting there explaining everything that would take place during all my upcoming surgeries, he had a little tiny piece of broccoli on his lip and I was hysterically laughing inside. He was dressed flawlessly in a perfect grey suit and had a little southern twang and then woops, forgot some of my lunch on my lip. Excellent, you are my soul sister and I would like you to cut me open, thanks.
Because of the impending determination of whether or not I need radiation I will be getting tissue expanders during the first surgery, they’ll then fill them up every week or so until they’re the size I want. If I don’t need radiation (which I am PRAYING I do not need) they’ll fill them up and after 3 months or less I can go in and get the DIEP flap surgery, which is what we opted for. They’ll cut a hole in my stomach from underneath my belly button hip to hip, and then up over the belly button. They’ll take the fat tissue from this spot, split it in half and use it for new boobs! They’ll also keep some skin from this section so that if I end up not being able to keep my nipples then can use this to make new ones. Also, if there are any issues with my skin from the surgery they can use this extra skin. He mentioned that I would be losing half of my spring break regret tattoo and I was like “TAKE IT ALL OFF!” To be honest having half of a tattoo is not the worst thing that can happen so I’m fine with it. Then they’ll pull down the skin on my stomach like a window shade to cover up my insides and sew me shut. Two weeks later I go back in for a second quick surgery to just remove that skin if it’s not needed. The recovery time for this surgery is miserable. I’ll spend about 3-4 days in the hospital, after that the first week I have to spend hunched over walking as well as sleep kind of sitting up. After two weeks, I should be able to stand up normally but I can’t lift up my arms or lift anything over 10 pounds. The full recovery time until I’m back to a normal person is 12 weeks. WOOF, that sure is going to suck. This brings me to another reason why I don’t want radiation. If I need radiation the surgery wouldn’t be able to take place until June because after the month and a half of radiation I would have to wait SIX MONTHS until I can get the final surgery. Final surgery in June means that I have another summer of literal SHIT. NO THANK YOU. One summer of garbage is all I can handle and I would really like to go back to my normal life, please and thanks.
Speaking of normal life, I have never been a skinny girl but I have also never been this god damn big. Holy shit, remember when I said last time that my pants need to give me some leeway, well, they did not and I feel like a fat ass sausage trying to get in them every day now. Add this to the list of my least favorite side effects ever. I know it’s only temporary but I keep thinking about how I have one more treatment of this which means that it’s another two weeks of inevitable weight gain and I literally don’t think I have the clothes for it. THESE ARE ALREADY MY FAT CLOTHES. It’s very uncomfortable and yes, I know I know, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT KIM. I know I’m trying, jeeze Mom. I’ve gone on my treadmill literally every day for the past like 10+ days in a row, I’ve been going to yoga, I’ve not been eating garbage and I feel like my pants just keep getting tighter and tighter as the days go on. It’s real rough. I already have my diet and workouts planned for the second this is all over. Tuesday the day after my final chemo (woo!) I’m going to Good Eats to set up my new meal plan so that I can get some portion control in my life. Then I downloaded this app for running for beginners & weight loss and I’m in it to win it. I HATE running, it’s literally my least favorite activity in the world but I’m gonna try to do it cause it’s something I can do on my own to get some of my stamina back. So if you see me running down the block, give me a wave or offer me a ride home! Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to get back to kickboxing for quite some time so I better find another activity to do until then and I will literally do anything to not feel like my clothes are trying to suffocate me anymore.
I’ve been in this very weird mood for the past two weeks. Ever since my last chemo I’ve been like pretty positive, even with the weight gain. Just anxious to get this over and done with. I haven’t cried in a notable amount of days which deserves a thumbs up BUT I have been super super grouchy. I honestly don’t think I should be driving as of late because EVERY ONE pisses me off. What happened, all the kids went back to school and every one suddenly forgot how to drive. My hand has been straight up resting on my horn more than not so if you see me around town run away because I may run you over. Although I’ve been in a pretty positive mood, besides for my road rage, I keep constantly thinking if I’m doing enough, should I be doing more, what would other people be doing if they were in my position. My brain is constantly turning and thinking about this. I think I go out a lot for someone during chemo but I wonder if I should be doing more, should I be hanging out more, should I be working out more? It’s this constant thought that’s eating away at me. I do truly wonder if any of my friends were in my shoes (and I thank god they are not) but what if they were, would they be out? Would they be normal? I just sometimes feel as if I’m not doing enough.
I went to a support group last Tuesday even though I really was dreading it. I was informed there would only be one other person there so I kept going back and forth. Is it more awkward to go with one person or is this a good way to start? My mother obviously tricked me into going, it’ll be good for you and fun! The second I sent the confirm email I regretted it. Although now I am really glad I went. The other lady in the group was also a newbie so we informally spent the time comparing adventures. We were very similar in some respects but very different in others. She said she only went out for dinner with her friends once during her whole chemo treatment because she was just too upset. I on the other hand go out to dinner more than not, mostly because of food, but because I’m trying my hardest to be normal. I don’t think there’s a right answer and it’s almost counterproductive to think about all the stuff I could be doing but I can’t shut my brain off. Especially at night, my brain has constantly been turning. I fall asleep for a few hours and then at like 3AM I wake up and I’m wide awake thinking about all the “what-ifs.” What if I lose weight (ha) before my DIEP flap surgery and there’s not enough to make me nice boobs and I have tiny little boobs on this big ass body? What if I need radiation and I have another miserable summer? What if I don’t need radiation and then I can’t go to school again in the Fall? What if when I go back to work no one wants to hire me because I’ve been out of work for a year plus? What if I can’t lose weight when this is over and I have to buy all new clothes? What if my hair doesn’t grow back? What if my eyebrows don’t grow back? What if what if what if… It’s stressful. It’s not the sad that I was a few weeks back but I’m still not in a great spot. It was really nice to talk to someone who went through exactly what I’ve been experiencing because as nice as it is to type this out or talk to my friends it’s not the same. As much as everyone says “I can only imagine” or “We get why you’re upset and throwing chairs around the house today Kim” no one really can understand unless they went through it. No one can really understand the days I’m sad or the days I’m mad. There isn’t a cut and dry reason for the way that I act on certain days I just am mad or I just am sad. Mostly because this suck but it’s hard to put into words and try and explain it to someone else. I’ll be going back to the support group next week, the day after my final chemo, and I’m glad. I’m glad I get to vent and express my feelings to people who unfortunately got the same hand of shitty cards.
I once again can’t explain how much it means to me that you all have not only taken an interest in my story but have been so vocal about it. I’ve received the sweetest messages from many people I haven’t spoken to in years and it’s been so heartwarming. I can’t begin to express my gratitude to each and every one of you. All I can say is there is going to be huge celebration party when this is over, no matter when that day comes, and you are all more than invited. Since my surgery is October 6th, which is only a couple days before the Avon 39 walk, me and my mom have decided we are only going to be able to do Day 1. I’m sure by Day 2 I’ll be home crying in pain but we will 100% be there for Day 1. That being said, another huge thank you to everyone who has donated so far. I am up to $8,165 which is mind blowing. I would love to be able to say I was able to raise $10,000 for my first walk. All the money goes to breast cancer research so it’s a good cause now give me your money! Just kidding. Any amount of money helps so if you would like to donate and haven’t yet you can click the link here.
I am in shock that my last chemo treatment is only two days from now, it’s been a long road and despite all the shitty side effects I know it could have been worse. So for that I am thankful that I can say I’ve made it this far. The next part of the road might be bumpy too but I’m glad chemo is almost behind me and I at least made it out with my right eyelashes; my left ones weren’t so lucky. Soon my head won’t be freezing and I’ll finally be able to get out of the shower and dry my hair off! The little things in life you didn’t think you’d miss. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TIL IT’S GONE. Truer words have never been spoken.
Until I’m officially chemo free.
xoxo
Kim