I’m sitting at my make shift desk pretending to do my homework for the week but I obviously decided to procrastinate even more by writing another blog entry, so you’re welcome. It’s been a very quick shift from being very excited for my surgery for being pretty terrified. I know I’m ultimately going to be fine but there are obviously so many thinks that could potentially go wrong and my brain can’t stop thinking about them. I won’t fill you all with dread as well and go into full detail about the horrific events my brain has conjured up but I will tell you that I can’t stop thinking about that stupid movie “Awake.” It’s that one with Jessica Alba where the guy is actually awake during the surgery. To be honest I never saw it and until this moment I thought Jessica Alba was the one being operated on but IMDB has told me different. I know this is extremely unlikely to happen, but I can’t stop thinking about it. Oh yea, that reminds me my blood count is back up so surgery is on for Wednesday, sorry for not announcing that immediately. But that brings me back to where my fear all started. When I went back in for blood tests on Thursday, they put you in the room where everyone is coming in for surgery so my heart started racing because I knew that would be me shortly. I guess seeing them all actually come in and preparing made it feel real. I have never had real surgery where I’ve had to stay overnight and come home with drains. I got my tonsils out when I was in college and I know I didn’t handle that well. By day 3 I was ready for the pain to be over and all I wanted to do was be able to eat (surprise). Everyone I’ve talked to about it has said the recovery really isn’t terrible so I’m hoping mine won’t be. It also makes me nervous because if I don’t respond well to this surgery or I can’t deal, how the hell am I going to be able to handle the DIEP surgery which is like triple the time surgery and recovery wise. I’ll have to dig deep inside and find some strength and courage left over.
It also stresses me out that I have two midterm papers due 11 days after surgery. This is technically my own damn fault since I’ve known about it since the day classes started but I’m not one to do things that far in advance. I kept telling myself I’ll be fineeeee. Which is what I used to say to my mom when she’d call me at 2am and I was wasted at a bar and I was never “fine” so this should have been my first clue. I’m sure I’ll be super bored at some point during my recovery and seeing as I already am so bored with Netflix maybe I’ll actually enjoy doing some homework instead? Who knows but I’m going to keep telling myself that until it’s the day before and I’m sobbing into my laptop because I can’t do it anymore.
I’m not really sure how to process the fact that my body will never be the same, the days keep ticking down but I really haven’t begun to fully process what’s about to happen. I’ve read a few people’s blogs and that awful book I’ve mentioned before that made me depressed but most people say their “goodbyes” and to be real honest, I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I’m usually someone whose just like ok, let’s get this over with, which is how I’m probably going to approach this. Every time I wake up on my stomach I remember that this is probably the last time for a long time I’m going to be able to do that. I always wave my arms around when I talk cause I’m crazy and very animated but then I remember I won’t be able to do that for a while after this surgery either. I keep getting upset that I’m not going to be able to work out or run, which I’ve shockingly kind of started enjoying. I’m not going to be able to roll around on the floor with my pups or jump around. I know this will all start coming back and I’ll be able to function like a normal human with time but I’ll be different, my body will be different. I’m really unsure how to process that. The more I think about it the more I think maybe this shouldn’t be a big deal; unfortunately, people go through this all time and some people opt to do it to avoid having cancer in the first place. Should I really be that emotionally over it? I’m not sure how to feel. They’re legit just boobs and mine aren’t as great as they used to be anyway so maybe I’ll feel better once this is over? I’ve always wanted some badass scars and now I’ll have them. Even as a kid I was a little bummed that I never broke a bone or did something cool, the most I did was fall off my bike but now maybe it’s my moment! Is that a crazy way to think about this? I’m trying to be positive because the more I think about it the more panicked I get. I mean even thinking about getting wheeled into the operating room I want to cry, so I know I’m going to be an emotional wreck the day of. I just feel kind of helpless at this point because I have no options, this has to be done and there’s nothing I can do about it. It really sucks that this is the new normal and I know I’ve been trying my best to keep a smile on my face but this really isn’t fair. Although, the world isn’t fair and is a terribly scary place to live at the current moment. Things could be much worse for me.
I had a friend of mine talk to me this weekend and she said she was completely amazed by how I was handling it because she definitely wouldn’t be able to deal with it the way I was. I told her, you never really realize the strength you have until you need it. Which I completely believe, I’m sure if this was happening to someone else I would think the same exact way but here I am spilling out my feelings via the internet for anyone to read it. I go out and pretend things are normal because I’m not really sure how else to react, if I sit home wallowing then I’ll never stop crying or overthinking things so the only option is to live my life as if this wasn’t happening. I’m not ignoring it but why sit around and be sad over something you can’t fix when you can still enjoy and forget it for a few hours. I know everyone is being sweet when I see them by asking how I’m doing, which is a normal question even if this wasn’t happening to me, but it’s that extra look they give, or that sentimental arm rub with the tilted head. I am ok! And even if I’m not I’m not going to burden you with all my emotional baggage that I keep in a back closet of my brain kept especially for my parents and boyfriend. I’m going to give you my generic answer of I feel pretty good, just glad chemo is over! It’s just a frustrating question that I know I’m going to have to answer for months and months and it’s not going to get any easier. I don’t mean that to come off badly because I know you all mean well, and I really do appreciate it but it’s a hard question to answer or maybe at that moment I’m not thinking about it because to be honest sometimes I do really forget. Sometime my wig is on just right and my pants aren’t strangling me for one minute and I seriously don’t remember. I will continue to keep a smile on my face and I promise I will not cry in front of you but if I answer quickly with a “great!” please move on.
That reminds me, just an announcement, my pants have not gotten any loser for those of you wondering. My two-a-days and my not so bad eating habits have not helped at all. I still feel like my double chin is suffocating me when I lay down. I honestly might hate that feeling more than my tight pants. It’s also extremely frustrating that I know I’m going to be lying in bed for the next few days and there is literally nothing I can do about that. Maybe I’ll just eat celery for a week and nothing else. I know it should be the least of my worries but I am afraid that this also might be the new normal for me and I really don’t want to have to go out and buy bigger clothes. That would truly be my worst nightmare come true. I’m obviously going to continue my work out routine as soon as I get the ok and I’m going to start a new meal plan diet but for the moment I feel gross. The only good news in site is that I probably won’t have to be going out in public for a week or so, so I can live in sweatpants. HURRAY.
I’ve been knocked off the top 10 walkers for the Avon 39: The Walk To End Breast Cancer which is totally fine by me. I remember when I first signed up for this walk I was convinced I wouldn’t even be able to get the required $1,800 to walk. I remember I told my parents that would be impossible and they even said whatever money you need to get to $1,800 we will give you. Well thanks mom & dad but everyone I know is amazing and I’ve raised $12,305. That number is baffling and almost more than I’ve ever had in my savings account ever so again, I thank you all for your contributions. It really means so much to me and I do not have the words to express my gratitude. If you haven’t donated yet and still want to the link is here. This whole experience has really changed my outlook on so much. It just reminds me that there are still great people out there in the world who will come together to help out. You all have helped me more than words can say, so again thank you.
I'm going to leave the comment section open for this one and would like you to give me some recommendations of songs to listen to before I go under the knife. I know I have my calm down song which I'm sure I'll be listening to on repeat before I go in for surgery and trust me I will have a million hours to wait. If you want to listen to it to know exactly what will be playing in my head before the dreaded time it's Ocean by John Butler Trio. It has gotten me through some stressful times and I'm hoping it will calm me down on Wednesday. So I would love to hear what song or songs you guys listen to in stressful situations. Let me know so I can make a playlist and procrastinate some more!
Now back to the regularly scheduled program, which in my case would be this homework that I have now officially put off for another hour. The next time you hear from me I’ll have balloons in my chest and I’ll probably be avoiding writing my midterm papers.
Until then
xox
Kim