I am currently radioactive. Yes, you read that correct, radioactive, like radioactive waste or that Imagine Dragons song that played constantly on the radio for too many months. I’m in the middle of the last baseline tests they need to monitor me for the rest of my life. It’s a bone scan where they inject me with some nuclear material and I come back in 3 hours and they take pictures of all my bones. Not sure how the later part works but I’ll let you know when I find out since we’re all in this together now.
It feels weird to say it but I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I have cancer. From last week when I said I was ready to fight this, I meant it, but it also just feels like this is now the new normal. A week after chemo and I’m not really sad anymore, more annoyed that I have to go through this whole ordeal. The side effects of the chemo were not really what I imagined either. I expected to be so tired that I couldn’t get out of bed for a few days, don’t get me wrong I was tired but I could do things. It’s also a different sort of tired where your just like physically and mentally exhausted but you could push through it to do all the normal activities that you should be doing. I managed to go for walks, do yoga, hang out with friends, and still enjoyed the normal amount of Netflix, which for me is a little more than the normal anyway. I even took a trip to the Botanical Gardens in the Bronx and walked around for a full day; I feel pretty ok. There is one side effect that is getting to me though, dizziness, it comes and goes in waves but it’s pretty terrible. You know that feeling when you’re EXTREMELY hungover and you feel like this is it, you’re going to die, well that’s how I feel about 75% of the time, which I think is extremely unfair since I haven’t had a drink in 45 days. Even writing this on my computer is making me feel like I’m stuck on one of those tea cups in Disney World. I’m dealing with it though, I didn’t expect to feel normal so if this is the worst of it, I can handle it. The dizziness that is, not the hair loss, I obviously haven’t conquered that part yet. I know they said I could start losing it now but I haven’t seen much difference between the day chemo started and now. I’m being a little more cautious though, my nervous tick is to play with my hair but I’m trying to avoid touching it so that it stays where it is and not in the garbage. I know it’ll grow back but it’s that period of bald that scares me and also the period after bald that scares me. I’m not Cara Delevinge or Halsey, I do not have the face or body to rock a buzz cut. Notice how I didn’t say Katy Perry, cause Jesus, she also does not have the face to pull off a buzz cut, but bless her heart she’s trying.
I’m still struggling with how to talk about it or how I want other people to talk about it. Obviously, it’s out there, I’m writing a god damn blog about it so it’s not a secret but I can’t decide if I want people to ignore it or not. Sometimes in social settings I feel like I almost over-talk about it, like it just keeps pouring out. I’m sure it makes everyone around me super uncomfortable but I also can’t figure out how not to talk about it. It feels like this big awkward elephant in the room and I’m the only one who keeps pointing it out because it’s staring me in the face. I can’t even figure out if I want anyone else to join in on the conversation with me, if it’s just like an awkward tick and I need to bring it up when I can. I’m hoping it will subside and I’ll be able to just be as if this isn’t happening but for the moment I have really bad word vomit. I’m just glad it’s not real vomit.
To keep up the theme of positivity, I want to mention another thing I am grateful for. I am so thankful that this is all happening in the summer and not in the winter. I can’t even imagine having to deal with this while being trapped inside because of the snow. Obviously, this will drag out into the winter, but for the moment I am glad that the sun is shining and I get to enjoy the outdoors. On Sunday I was able to spend the entire day outside, I was holed up in the shade under a sweatshirt but I was outside nonetheless! It feels good to have days of normal and I plan on that theme continuing.
xoxo
Kim