Today was day one of chemo, I’ve been home for about three hours already and I feel fine for the moment. A little tired, but in reality, when am I not looking to take a nap. I had one of the earliest appointments today so I didn’t wait too long to get into the chemo suite, and it was much different than the ones we’ve all seen on TV. When I was first told that I would need chemo, I assumed I’d be sitting in a very big circle where everyone was facing one another in a hospital recliner hooked up to an IV. Sloan Kettering has upped the game! We had our own little private sectioned off area and both of my parents were allowed to sit in there with me. It was a great little treat and I’m very thankful I had my support team with me. Then they told me that there's a newer section where everyone has their own room for chemo, obviously newbies must get sent into the older section first. SENIORITY RULES, THROW THOSE NEW KIDS TO THE DOGS. Maybe chemo makes you aggressive too, who knows, I guess we'll all find out together. I apologize for not taking a chemo selfie, I wanted to for some memories, which I'm sure I'll want once I'm a survivor, but my mind wasn't focused and I completely spaced. I'll take a million next time so you all can pretend you were there with me.
One of the more difficult things for me has been realizing that what I had planned out in my head is not always the way things are going to go. Starting with the day I was told I needed chemo, that was really hard for me to swallow. The initial shock of the diagnosis was enough to make me cry on cue but then to imagine the treatment plan and to get the actual treatment plan were even harder to fathom. I probably shouldn’t have assumed anything, and you know what they say when you assume, you make an ass out of you & you..(never me). After getting the road map, I was on and off with accepting my fate and tried to see the positives of this plan. This is the mindset I was in today; the past few days have been pretty emotional but I tried to get out of the car and into the waiting room with as little tears as possible, I was not so successful but at least I tried. We walked to the waiting room and of course the cutest old man had to be sitting right across from us, looking a little frazzled and all alone and the flood works started. I am a sucker for cute old people, just for reference here’s a little story. On Saturday I was having a pretty emotional day so I decided to take a walk on the Long Beach boardwalk with my boyfriend, who by the way has been a champion throughout this whole ordeal, and he let me cry on and off for a good portion of the walk. As we were walking there was this older couple walking arm and arm towards us on the boardwalk. The man was flawless from head to toe, full suit and tie with one of those hats with the feathers in them, holding his jacket. PS it was about 80 degrees on Saturday. His wife was wearing a winter jacket with a dress underneath and a handkerchief around her head. It was so adorable that it made my heart hurt. My boyfriend quick to hear my now very frequent sniffles turned his head and asked what was wrong. I blurted out uncontrollably “THEY’RE SO CUTE.” I wasn’t crying because I was sad, I was crying because I was so happy. They must make this walk every Saturday and probably have been doing so for years and you never know what hardships they went through, and look at them, they’re still killing it. Walking with two huge smiles on their face, they looked so happy and in love and I loved it. Back to the waiting room where my friend Stanley (the cute old man) was sitting. In this case, I cried from sadness and was immediately filled with so many questions. Why is he alone, what is wrong with him, is he all better and just here for his checkup. I NEED TO KNOW. Obviously, I wasn’t about to run over to him and blurt out all these intrusive questions, also because I never really got over my mental patient look from the other day. Stanley, if you’re reading this, you’re magnificent and I love you and I hope you’re doing ok.
Anyway, after I calmed a little we finally saw the doctor and did everything necessary before the first day and I was put into my little nook with my parents and the drugs started pumping. It didn’t hurt, if anything getting the IV in was the most painful part of it all. While talking to the nurse we learned that my hair could start falling out this week, which is not what I anticipated. I thought I’d have at least a week of good hair left, OK fine semi good hair, and then the second treatment it would all fall out. This of course was another assSSsssumption I made and it left me pretty bummed. I planned to have a head shaving party on the Saturday before my second treatment which is when I was told my hair would definitely fall out. I figured it would take some of the emotion out of that moment which I’m sure is going to be very hard. I can already picture me and my parents and my boyfriend huddled around me as I start shaving. Everyone trying to help out and I’m screaming to leave me alone, I GOT IT. I didn’t want that moment and I didn’t want to leave it to fall out on its own. I don’t want to be in the shower pulling out clumps of my hair, or wake up in the morning in a pile of it like some horror movie. It needed to be gone before that happened and I wanted to make that moment as good as it could be. Invite all my friends over, have everyone play drinking games and the grand prize winner would get to shave my head. How fun would that be? I would ask that no pictures be taken or videos so that it’s just for everyone there that I love and trust. It would also make me more comfortable because then everyone would already see this is what I look like bald, now you know, don’t ask any questions. Now with the news that my hair could already start falling out I’m not sure what I’m going to do. On another side note if you want to read another blog about a cancer journey you can check out “Chemo Couture” which is by Krysta Rodriguez who was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 30 in 2015. She’s a ball of health and currently on Trial & Error on NBC and also appearing in Quantico. Here’s her blog: http://krystacouture.com/. The reason I bring this up is because of something she wrote about, starting with this: “Someone told me once, you will wake up and know the day you are ready to say goodbye to your hair…I didn’t believe them…it was true”- Erin (ChemoCouture Comment). Krysta also expressed that she had this moment, she woke up one day and knew it was time to shave. Which is something I wish I had during any summer for my legs. I’m hoping to have that moment and just wake up one day and say “this doesn’t matter” and shave it right off. For now, I’m going to hold onto it for a little longer.
I am very thankful that today went smoothly but I know the side effects can happen any day at any time. With all the updated medications that they give you to offset the side effects of chemo, they say getting nauseas isn’t as common as it used to be and I have a million drugs to cure it if it happens. I’m feeling better about this, ready to fight and determined to win. It’s a sucky thing, but at least it’s a sucky thing that has an end which isn’t so far off, for that I am truly grateful.
xoxo
Kim