Holy November, where did October go! I can’t believe it’s already my birthday month, usually at this point I’d be planning my birthday celebrations but I have decided to skip it this year. The big parties can start when I turn 30 and have some long ass mermaid hair or whatever. Since we’re now in an open and honest relationship I wanted to share with you all my little emotional breakdown I had this morning. I haven’t written in a little while because I’m trying to get back to my normal life before this whole adventure began. To be honest, some days I do truly forget and I don’t think about it which is crazy but like I’ve said before it’s become the new normal. Like yesterday I really truly forgot that there was more left to this adventure. I met with my advisor, the one I have so lovingly mentioned before to see what classes I have left to take. Since I got my HR certificate, my MBA classes have all been messed up and no one seems to know how to do their job and give me a straight answer of when everything will be fixed. So, crazy lady I am, I decided to go in and check and to get some sympathy points, I went in bald. Hey, I never said I wasn’t going to use the cancer card for some stuff, I mean I have it, might as well use it while I can. There are two pre-req classes that I need to graduate that I took as an undergrad but unfortunately for me, that was when boys and drinks were more important than my grades so I didn’t do so well. I’ve been BEGGING my advisor to let me just have those classes waived because a. that’s about $6,000 you can wave goodbye and I HATE economics. I have failed so far but yesterday I was like, bald it is. I walked in and didn’t so much as blink an eye and he wrote WAIVE next to both the classes, thank you cancer (?). Back to the point, so we were discussing the plan and I only have 6 classes left which means in reality if I take 4 next semesters and two over the summer, I AM DONE. To which I agreed and was like YES let’s do exactly that, sign me up. On the way home, I called my mom so excited that he waived the classes AND that the end of my long MBA trek was in sight but then she reminded me how are you going to do that and surgery. BOOM reality check, I literally FORGOT. I thought it was over, I thought I was straight up normal again. It was the weirdest wakeup call I’ve had so far. I’m starting to feel more like myself again, my eyebrows eyelashes and hair is growing in like weeds, I’m not so tired anymore. I’m able to do things. I still have some joint issues but I’m working on them so I feel NORMAL and then I remembered that this isn’t over yet. I’m not upset per say, I’m more bummed, like DAMN I thought it was done but it’s not.
Back to today, so I went to spin this morning. Yes, you’re as shocked as I am. On top of that I went back to my first barre class last night too! Thankfully my wonderful barre instructor knows the drill so I didn’t feel weird not using weights in class or putting my arms down if I needed to. I’m not someone who gives up at the gym and I feel like that’s been a big challenge for me. Before all of this I would have literally passed out in a gym class instead of walking out or sitting down. I would push myself as hard as I could so I didn’t look like a quitter, and if everyone else was using heavy weights, I would also use heavy weights cause I needed to do it, to push myself. Clearly, I can’t do that anymore and I need to step back and realize that. In spin today, I was SO nervous because it was my first class since April. I know I’ve still been working out, and I started running but spin is different. No matter how in shape I was, I would walk out of spin, drenched from head to toe so I was nervous. Thankfully the instructor was this older lady who taught with her husband who was also an instructor and they were hilarious. I guess he’s had some health issues so he was trying to get back into it today, so they taught together and it was so cute. I got there really early so I could get my usual spot in the back corner so no one could see me and I was ready to go. I took my hat off when they turned the lights off even though I knew the instructors could see me but my head was sweating so much from just sitting there I had to take it off. I could already tell from minute one that they were being extra cautious “If you need to sit, you can sit like me!” the guy said staring directly into my soul. Am I not cool enough for people to think I just have a buzzed head for fun? The lady even managed to walk next to my bike and asked if I was ok, like thank you! I went back and forth so many times in class wanting to scream out I HAVE CANCER and also not wanting anyone to know. My own insecurities came into play and those have been with me long before cancer has. Like I’ve said, I used to push myself like crazy so I would NEVER in a million years be sitting while everyone else was standing in spin. I would ALWAYS push myself to go to the tempo of the music no matter what, even if I felt like I was gonna pass out, I would do it. But today I knew I had to take it slow, so even though I know he was looking at me and saying “take it easy” I did, and I sat my ass down while everyone stood and I cried. I cried because I was so thankful that two months after chemo and a month after surgery, I was at a freakin’ spin class. I cried because even though I’m on my way to recovery, it’s a long road and I have a lot more recovering to do ahead of me. And by a long road I mean a real LOOOOOOOONGGGG road. I cried because I’m cancer free. I cried because I couldn’t push myself as hard as I wanted to. I cried because no one else knew what I was dealing with and I cried because I assumed they were all looking at me. But I also cried because I’m proud of myself. I’m here doing my thang. Going to spin, getting my MBA, hanging out with my friends, living walking breathing. It sounds crazy but I think I’m happy. Here we go again on that rollercoaster ride, back on the upswing and I’m ready to stay here for a while.
Although today I’m happy, this week has been a little difficult. I had my boobs filled up again so now I have 350 cc in each and they’re looking much better, under loose shirts that is. In nothing, they look bizarre and it’s stressing me out. Listen, I know they’re not forever and they’re going to look so much better when the final surgery is done but do you know how much shit I have to do until then. I have a wedding next weekend that I have literally NOTHING to wear to. I refuse to go shopping and the saint my mother is, decided to online shop for me as if I was at an actual store. I think I tried on about 15 dresses in my room on Monday, and guess freaking what? NOTHING FIT. Now it’s not that they were all tight and I’m back on my OMG WOE IS ME I’M FAT binge again, my boobs look WONKY. These expanders are literal circles, not boob shaped, and because they’re not filled up completely they have these like creases in them and they stick out on the sides. Yes, I am very excited I do not always have to wear a bra, but they look so weird even inside a bra. You can’t shape them right. So not only did I cry because I have nothing to wear to this wedding this weekend but I cried because I know I have another one in March that I’m legit IN and I have a dress I have to wear that’s low cut and my boobs are gonna be looking crazy. And not only is the dress not going to fit my circle boobs right, I’m going to have a chemo fro by then and there’s no shot I’m going to want to wear my wig because I’ll be sweating enough trying to wear heels again and making sure my boobs don’t pop out. Which is another thing of concern, since I have literally no feeling in my boobs, I can’t tell when they’re about to pop out. It’s a strange strange feeling. So, I broke down thinking about it, I also know I’m going to get so many of those looks like you’re looking at a sick puppy, like AW sweetie, how are you feeling, you look great! I’m not about it because, don’t freakin lie to me, I know I don’t look GREAT, I just look shockingly ok cause I have a wig and fake eyelashes on. Once again my own insecurities at play, so I’ll get over it and we can all move on with our day.
Another thing I’ve noticed lately is that all breast cancer patients and survivors are now in this weird group that I all hope none of you join. I’ve been going to physical therapy lately to help with my shoulder and my hips. It’s a physical therapy place only for breast cancer patients so obviously it’s an interesting dynamic anyway but there’s just this weird sort of bond I feel with all of these strangers. It’s kind of easy to see who is in each stage of treatment but it’s interesting. Yesterday morning when I was there, one of the younger patients came up to me to tell me she liked my tattoo behind my ear, which I always forget I have. Now being bald everyone can see it whereas when I had my hair I never wore it up. My bosses didn’t even notice it for like two years. Anyway, she was like yea I want to get one here by my radiation tattoo and it sounded so NON CHALANT. Like oh yea right here next to my radiation tattoo, like do we talk like that to other people. I mean she obviously knows I’m going through the same shit because hello, I’m there and bald but like it sounded so casual and my response back was even casual. Oh yea, I’ll be getting one of those next week. And there was no sympathy look it was just like a shrug of I get it and I enjoyed that response more. Is that crazy? My best friend’s mom is also a survivor and when she first found out of my diagnosis she reached out and started with “let me just say you have officially joined the only club that truly wants no more members,” which is probably the best way to put it. We’re all in this weird club together and we all just get it, it doesn’t matter what stage were in or how much or little treatment you needed. It all sucks and we get it together. I wish I could close off membership, and hopefully one day we will.
I’ll be continuing my spinning journey until someone tells me to stop, riding up the mountain and hopefully soon I’ll make it to the top.
Until next time
xoxo
Kim