I know I know, I suck. I’m sure you’ve all been biting your fingernails in anticipation of my next blog post. Well here it is! I’ve been MIA because I’ve been feeling really normal lately and haven’t really been giving cancer all that much attention. It’s hard to write when it feels like nothing is wrong. Last week I had an appointment free week which has been extremely rare for the past 7 months. I spent it doing not much of anything really which was a nice change. I’ve gotten back into a routine of some type of normalcy, I go spinning, been getting my nails done, I even went away last weekend. I feel like I’m ready to start living my life again. The fear of radiation has dissipated and I’m just anxiously awaiting it to start. The first day of radiation was originally scheduled on the 28th but they had to push it back until the 29th because they’re not going to be ready by then.
I guess I should back up, two weeks ago I went in for the simulation that gets me set up for my radiation which is going to be 25 days long. With the pushback in my schedule I will officially be done with radiation by the 4th of January, HAPPY NEW YEAR. The simulation consisted of a sort of CT scan while I was put into this mold that I’ll use every time I go in for radiation. It was this weird position with my arms over my head and my head turned to the right. When I walked in to this appointment, I didn’t expect to immediately walk into the room with the CT machine so as I usually do, I asked my mom if she wanted to come with me and she said yes. So, we walked into the room and to me it was so routine, but my mom has never actually been with me while I laid on some table and had a test done. She did not handle it well (sorry mom). It’s just crazy how some things are literally so routine for me now but it’s interesting to watch other people cope with it. Before all of this started I hated getting blood taken because of needles but now I’m a champion. I know some people literally pass out while getting blood taken and I couldn’t even imagine if I was like that before all this happened. It’s an odd thing to get used to but I’m glad that they’re getting less and less frequent. Anyway, after my mom left the room and the test was done they pulled me out and told me not to move so I could get my radiation tattoos. I wasn’t sure where I was getting them but I now have four. One in the middle of my chest right above my boobs, one in the middle underneath my boobs, and one on either side of my ribs. They’re so small I could barely find them and wouldn’t have known they were there if they weren’t a little red, they truly look like dark little freckles. They told me some people get them removed although I don’t know why, I feel like it gives me some extra character, and what’s four more tattoos to add to my hodgepodge of disaster tattoos.
Something I’ve been experiencing that I didn’t even realize was chemo related is pain in my feet and hands when I wake up in the morning. It was something that started a few weeks ago and was just mild pain, but as the weeks progressed it’s been getting worse and worse. Some mornings I wake up and my fingers are literally stuck in crazy positions and I have to loosen them up before they can start moving again. The pain is now constant throughout the day but it’s mild enough that it’s tolerable. It’s also this weird swelling in both my hands and feet that I can’t get rid of. I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about it cause for a while I’ve had this fear that it’s the dreaded lymphedema coming to get me. I asked my doctor yesterday and she said it’s probably delayed side effects from the Taxol. As if that shit hasn’t done enough to my body, it decided to continue getting me after two months. Thanks you POS. She said it’ll go away with time but there is also the concern that the new medication I’m starting causes some joint pain as well. Perfect! I know I was really upset for a while thinking I had to continue taking medication for 5-10 years. And although I do still think it’s unfair, all of this has become my new normal. Fine, I’m gonna be a 26-year-old (soon to be 27) going through menopause, but if that’s the worst thing to happen to me, then I will survive.
Last weekend was a little stressful getting ready for the wedding, I hated my dress and I felt like I looked like someone else with my wig on in a dress I would never normally wear. I guess that's been the most difficult part of this all, is not looking like myself. I've definitely lost some weight in the past few weeks but I'm no where near where I've been and that's been tough. My clothes fit differently, I feel like my fat has been displaced and is now in places it's never been before. But again, enough about my weight issues and on to the other part of the wedding I was dreading. I knew I would be bumping into so many people that I've known since I was little and know what's going on but haven't seen me so I was expecting, just as I said, the "aw you look great" with the sad puppy dog eyes. So I made it into a game, now I don't mean any disrespect if you were there and did this but it's just something I hear ALL the time now that it gets a little redundant. I made it up to like 15 in just the ceremony alone. Without playing this game I would have been more emotional than I already was. After the ceremony as everyone was walking out I bumped into some people I haven't seen since before this all happened and they literally cried seeing me, being the emotional wreck I am, I also started crying and clearly once the floodworks start they never shut off. I also ran into someone who reached out to me during all of this to let me know she also unfortunately joined the club. I honestly forgot for a second so I just hugged her as normal, and then boom I remembered and the waterworks started. As much as it happens, crying in public never gets any less awkward so I just had to walk away.
This weekend was another cry session that I didn't intend to happen. I was in Vermont with some friends of mine for Friendsgiving because after fighting it for a while, I decided I needed to get out of my house and do something out of the new ordinary. It was so much fun and I'm ecstatic that I went, even though I now have a normal person cold. Anyway, during dinner on Saturday night we played the "what are you thankful" for game which I had been dreading since saying yes to going that weekend. A few people went without mention of me, thank god. Then it got to one of my best friends and there it was. I was legit trying my hardest not to cry but I couldn't help it. So I made us move on very quickly and we made it through another few people without my name coming up, ok we can do this only two more. Then it landed on my best friend Erin who was sitting directly across from me, before she even started talking she was crying, so now I'm crying and half the table is crying. I know it was all good and happy because they were happy tears, but I really am done crying in public. Of course, I was next, already in tears being thankful I'm cancer free and the whole shabang. I think I managed through without blubbering too much. I have another Friendsgiving coming up on my actual birthday and I KNOW this game will be played again. I'm hoping I can scoot by with dry eyes but my hopes are not too high. Hey, am I also a poet? Crazy what cancer does to me, huh.
My hair, eyelashes and eyebrows have been growing in like weeds. It’s been so nice to have them back in and it’s even hard to remember not having any. It feels like I blinked one day and they were all back. My hair is so long that I don’t feel like an idiot shampooing it anymore. For a while there I was legit shampooing the one or two hairs that were left on my head because I was convinced that if I didn’t nothing would ever go back. It truly does look like if I was cool enough I just shaved my head to be trendy and different. This weekend I took my wig with me just in case I felt the urge to put it on but I didn’t even wear it once. I even got some compliments on how “badass” I looked. I appreciate it but no I will not ever rock this look again, although it’s so easy to maintain, I need some Rapunzel shit in my life. I did get a comment this weekend that I wasn’t expecting and I definitely didn’t react the way I thought I would. Me and Erin were on our way home from Vermont and decided to stop at some place called like Big Moose or The Moose Store, something Vermont-esque. We walked in and I didn’t have my hat on like I had been doing all weekend and this guy was cleaning the floor was like “hey, you’re gonna need to get a hat to keep that head warm!” Uh, what. Then as soon as I decided to ignore him, this older man behind the counter goes “hey, we’re like the same!” as he points to his own bald shiny head. Now, they’re both chuckling. Now, I know they weren’t doing it maliciously but like what the fuck, I would NEVER say something like that to someone. Even before this happened to me, there’s no shot I would ever say something to someone. I just responded back with an uncomfortable laugh and walked away. My friend Erin turned to me “I thought you were going to say something.” Honestly, me too. But is it worth that awkward conversation to two strangers I’ll literally never see again in my life, I decided it wasn’t. It didn’t bother me too much but I do keep thinking about it, was I that much of an odditiy walking into their store or were they assholes? Who knows, who cares. And as if I wasn’t getting so much back to normal, I got a speeding ticket on my way home! I’m back bitches.
I promise I’ll keep everyone updated during radiation and I’m sure with my track record something interesting will happen. Until then, I’ll be living my normal life, hair and all.
xoxo
Kim