I still have yet to break up with my doctor. I have NO idea why I’m so nervous. I left her a message this morning and she JUST called me back but I sat here like a baby watching the phone ring and didn’t pick up. I’m at the point where I want my mom to do it for me. I ultimately know it’s not a big deal because I’m sure this happens all the time but it just feels like a lot to be like “HI sorry, I know you like saved my life and shit but I gotta go.” In reality she has a million patients and I’m sure by this time next year she’d be like Kim who? Maybe it’s also the fact that I’ve never broken up with anybody anyway but I guess that’s a difference story? Embarrassing.
Anyway, I’ve received so many messages yesterday saying congratulations about the fact that I’m cancer free. So many people have asked if I feel free and truly, I don’t. It’s not over yet so the fact that the cancer is out just doesn’t feel like a big deal, it’s obviously nice to hear and to say “I don’t have cancer anymore” but it’s not done. I’m still about 8+ months away from the finish line and I still have to go through so much crap before I’m finally DONE and to be honest I don’t think it’ll ever really be done. Don’t leave me now guys, I still need ya! My life has been filled with doctor’s appointments since May 5th and it truly hasn’t really ever slowed down, the second I think I have a week without a doctor’s appointment something else comes up and I’m rushing around to some other kind of appointment. What’s going to happen when that’s all over? I’ve read multiple accounts where that seems to be the hardest part for some survivors, they just feel alone. Like it’s all over and everyone kind of just vanishes. The doctor’s appointments get further and further away, but the fear of a reoccurrence is still there every day. The love and support of family and friends is obviously still there but it’s different, everyone seems to forget but it’s still constantly on your mind. I really hope that I never feel like that when it’s over, I know I’m not going to be able to forget all about it but as the days go on I hope it gets further and further out of my mind. Like I’ll look back and it’ll all just be a bad dream, a jumble of months blurred together that get harder to remember over the years. It will never be forgotten, especially with my fake boobs and the scars and the hot flashes but I hope to get to a point someday where I can just smile and be happy that it’s over.
I’ve been ok the past few days, less tears. More shrugging of the shoulders when someone says “are you ok?” because genuinely, I am ok. I feel more like myself, expect for the stiff joints. I forget about it mostly until I get up from sitting and I have to hunch over like an old lady for a few minutes until my hip joints warm up. I’m hoping with physical therapy this will diminish and I’ll try to get back to yoga as soon as they give me the a-ok. My hair has been growing back too which has been nice to watch. It’s growing back at a pretty rapid rate and it’s already a little longer than when I first buzzed it. I’m interested to know how it’s going to grow back in but that weird phase of mullet that I know is bound to come in kind of makes me nervous. I am stoked to be able to shampoo my hair again, even though I realistically don’t need to. I’m pushing the positive and I lather up my little baby hairs as much as possible. There are some things that are SO annoying though and I wish that since I got handed a shitty hand of cards they could go away completely. I forgot how much fucking body hair I had and it all came back real fast. Like my eyebrows and eyelashes fell out but my hairy lip is back in full force. I almost feel guilty being like, I should get this waxed because at least it’s growing back? Maybe I’ll walk around like a dude for a few weeks and see what happens, I’m sure my boyfriend will really appreciate that.
I’d also like to give some more advice to anyone else who has to suffer through this or who has a loved one going through a similar situation. I am here to help anyone and everyone and I am so open to talking about my experience (obviously) with anyone who wants to chat or needs more insight. I am literally an open book and want to be as supportive and helpful to everyone because I’ve received so much of it.
Get a second opinion. When I first went to Sloan I was ecstatic with the doctors I was handed, I felt like they were going to be my knights in shining armor and could do no wrong. After seeing my plastic surgeon at Sloan I really didn’t want to meet with anyone else because I felt like we were meeting with the best of the best and it couldn’t get any better. I was also nervous that if I shopped around I would somehow get kicked out of the Sloan club. Clearly as you all know, I am SO glad I went to see another doctor. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if I didn’t. There are so many incredible doctors out there who are willing to help you and you’ll know you’ve picked the right one very quickly during your interaction. I didn’t click at all with my surgeon or plastic surgeon at Sloan but I wanted to go there because I’ve heard so many great things. The second I moved to Weill Cornell to meet with those doctors I knew I made the right decision, everything felt so much easier and it was a huge sigh of relief. Don’t ever feel stuck with a doctor, you’re allowed to explore your options and the right doctor will even tell you to do that. They should want the best for you and you should feel beyond comfortable with your life in their hands. GO WITH YOUR GUT. If you need any recommendations on doctors I obviously have a full house and I am more than willing to give you any and all of my wonderful doctor’s information.
Prepare for the unexpected. Obviously, everyone’s case is different and you can’t really gauge yours off of someone else’s. Prepare for things you didn’t think we’re going to happen. My adventure through this whole thing was SO much different than what I anticipated. I envisioned it to be like the other stories I heard and I think this made a lot of the events harder to swallow. I thought I wouldn’t need chemo cause no one else I knew did, that hit hard. I thought I wouldn’t need radiation because my MRI seemed good, that also was a low blow. No one told me my eyebrows and eyelashes would fall out a month after chemo and here I am, looking crazy. You really never know what’s going to happen, there is no exact path drawn out in front of you. All you can do is take it step by step.
Don’t wig shop too early. I obviously learned this the hard way. Losing your hair is really tough and although everyone is going to tell you “it grows back” it still really sucks. There’s a possibility you’ll wake up one day ready to chop it off but there’s a chance you might not. I went wig shopping before I had that moment and fell into the trap of listening to other people telling me my wigs looked great. I still had my hair and had to put on a bald cap to try on my wigs, I was there with my mom, godmother, and my godmother’s sister. A very supportive bunch but I truly wasn’t ready to lose my hair. They could have pulled out a green wig and told me I looked beautiful and I probably would have purchased it. It was too early for me to even comprehend that I would have to wear this wig for months and months on end so I went with the first two that I was handed. It was not FUN, I wasn’t enjoying it. I was crying and miserable. I think wig shopping should be fun and you should be comfortable and confident knowing that this is something you’ll have to wear for a long time. The second time I went wig shopping was just with my mom and I was already bald and wearing my wigs. I hated them so I needed another. This time I was fine trying on a million wigs and deciding what I liked. Instead of having other people telling me what looked good, I picked one out that made me feel comfortable and confident and I was ultimately happy with my decision. If I had only waited a few weeks I would have saved myself lots of money. WOOPS, sorry mom.
Live your life. Enjoy the things you always did as best as you can. The days I felt good enough to do something I went out and truly enjoyed it. There was never a time where I went out and wished that I was home lying in bed. Clearly some days are harder than others to get up and leave the house but if you want to do something GO DO IT. It’s nice to get your mind off of it once and a while, especially during those times that it’s the hardest. Some days I would cry and cry and would get invited to do something and I would and it made all the difference in the world. My mood was uplifted and I felt better, even if it was only a temporary fix. Clearly there are going to be things that you’re no longer able to do as well, but find alternatives. I used to love kickboxing but I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to do that during my treatment so I switched to yoga. I’m so thankful I did because I found something I loved and it still kept me active. Enjoy the things you always did and if there’s something you can’t enjoy anymore, try and find a replacement!
I have received so much love and support and I really thank you all for taking this journey with me. I am here to help in any way I can anyone else that is struggling or needs someone to talk to. You can contact me on the contact page if you don’t know me personally and I promise I will get back to you ASAP. We’re in this together, forever.
Time to try and break up again.
Until next time
xoxo
Kim