It’s really weird to re-read my blog entries. Did you ever keep a journal when you were younger and you read it when you were much older and some of those emotions came flooding back to you? That’s what happens when I read my blog, this weird wave of emotion comes back, like I can’t even remember exactly where I was while I was writing for some of them, but I remember most of the feelings behind them. It’s a very strange feeling, like I’m happy all of that is in the past and it seems like a distant memory but I feel bad for cancer Kim, that was a garbage time to go through. I’m feeling pretty good lately, I feel like most of the issues I’ve been having lately are those of a normal person and it’s not really cancer related. Like, ugh I just went on vacation and now I’m so broke and so fat cause I ate like garbage for a week. Or damn it, I’ve spaced out of all of my classes since midterms and now I’m going to fail my finals. Ya know, normal shit. I’ve been feeling much better than I have been the past few weeks, although the emotions are still there I FINALLY have my surgery date and I am so so excited. It’s a little later than I would have liked and it does only let me enjoy half of the summer but this too shall pass. JULY 19TH, everyone mark it on your calendars in big bold letters! It’s the last leg of this journey and I can’t wait.
The past few weeks I’ve been going back and forth between being so excited that I was going to get my surgery date, and nervous about the surgery in general. Although I decided on the DIEP flap, my mind kept flip flopping between the implants and the flap for a few weeks. With the implants I’d be in and out in a few hours, and only one night in the hospital with a quick week or two of recovery. With the flap I’ll be in surgery for like 12+ hours, 3-4 nights in the hospital and almost 2-3 months of full recovery time. When I met with my doctor two weeks ago he did explain that a lot of younger patients have been opting for the flap surgery because ultimately the time you spend in surgery ends up being less than the amount of times you have to get your implants changed out. I know I’ve mentioned this before because they call it “changing the tire” surgery, because it’s quick and easy and you have to get it done about every 10 years. Since I’m only 27, it ends up being a decent amount of times to be going under the knife. So, there are some cons about that, when I’m 80 years old I doubt I’m going to be like YAY can’t wait to get my boobs done again. Or the fact that yea, the scar might heal but in another 10 years it’s going to get ripped open again anyway. Anyway, clearly, I ended up going back and deciding on the flap. I feel like it’s the best option and as much as the recovery time sucks I’ll be able to binge watch some more TV shows and do what I do best, nothing. I feel worse for my parents who are going to have to sit in that waiting room for all those hours just waiting for me to come out of surgery. Meanwhile, I’m going to be dead asleep and wake up 12 hours later not knowing where I am. The worst part about it is going to be the dreaded drains that I need to keep in for 2 weeks. My doctor said that once those are removed people usually feel a million times better. So, for 2 weeks at the end of July if everyone could send me some nice happy movie recommendations, I’ll be good.
I was on vacation last week and it felt good to be normal and doing normal things, I really didn’t think about cancer all that much. I expected to get sad and cry over it one night with my friends over some drinks, but I really didn’t. I think I might be over the “feeling sorry for myself” phase and I’m just ready for life to begin again. Now that I have my surgery date I can start seeing the future and I know it’s really not that far away. At least it’ll be nice outside while I’m recovering and I can lay out and get some sunshine, drains and all.
I’d just like to thank everyone again, I’ve been receiving some very nice messages while I’ve been on my emotional journey back to normalcy. I apologize as I don’t always respond to them but sometimes I just don’t really know what to say, overwhelmed with emotion, sometimes it’s hard to just write out a clear cut “thank you” when there’s so much more I would like to say, but how much is too much. So for the moment, if you’ve reached out and I haven’t answered, know that I have read it and appreciate all the good thoughts and sentiments and I am so very very happy that you are all there in my sidecar taking the journey with me.
xx
Kim