It’s been a while but I figured I needed to keep you all updated and let you all know why it’s been so long since I’ve posted. I’ve been going through some strange emotions since radiation ended and it’s a different rollercoaster ride than the one I was on previously. I know I wrote about waiting for the moment for your mental breakdown to hit, well it happened, in a pretty big way. I don't want to dive into full detail about it because it happened a lot more publicly than I'm proud of, but it happened. I spent an entire night curled up in a bathtub, in Atlantic City, crying my eyes out. I was hoping it was maybe just the night, or that I was homesick, or that I really just hated my outfit but the crying didn't stop when I got home. It was a really strange feeling that's difficult to put into words. Although it felt like all of the treatments and pain happened to someone else, I was able to recall back to specific moments during treatments and feel exactly what I felt while it was happening. It all felt too real. I always seemed to come back to one time in particular during treatment, it was the one I felt most connected to for some reason. Maybe because it was the time I was the most devastated and I wasn't alone? Maybe it was because it was the first time I let down my guard during treatment in front of someone other than my parents and Shane? It was during round number 2 or 3 of Taxol and my friends from Boston had come to visit me after I had pushed off their visits a number of times because I wasn’t feeling up to it. I wanted to see them so I put on my brave face and let them come hang, I had fun but inside I was in so much pain. I had gone to an open house with my parents and pretty much fell down the stairs because my joints hurt and I could barely use my legs to support my body. I went back to my house with my brave face on and we were all sitting chatting in the backyard and I just lost it, I was in so much pain, and I just wanted it all to be over. I kept thinking back to that moment and I truly felt bad for myself. I felt sad that I had to go through it, I felt sad that I was in so much pain, I was sad that I had to subject other people to my sadness. Currently it's hard to even think about those moments because I’m in a different place now than I was a few weeks ago. I felt the lowest I have ever felt in my life, I was in a dark dark place, I truly felt depressed. It was a pretty immediate decision for me to go to therapy. My mom (champion) was able to find someone who experienced something similar to myself and can kind of relate to my feelings. Even though I have only gone twice, I truly feel a little better. I won’t say I’m completely mended but I’m getting there and I’m definitely out of that dark hole for a little. That doesn’t mean that the breakdowns don’t happen, because they do, out of legit nowhere. A lot of the time I don’t even know why I’m crying but sometimes it’s more specific.
Let’s take this weekend for example, my friend from Boston came in and we had a Sunday Funday. I went to an amazing new yoga place, went to a great place for brunch and had a blast with my friends. I took some pictures and I really thought I looked cute, despite my hair not complying with me. Then today I looked at the photo and I still thought I looked cute, but I remembered my hair feeling like a curly disgusting mess and I lost it. Even now thinking about it, I’m losing it. My hair looks so fucking stupid, I straight up have a fro. This isn’t fair, I didn’t cut you cause I wanted to be cool, you fucking fell out. Can you please just look nice or grow back faster? I almost feel bad being so upset over something so stupid, I should just be happy that it’s growing back and it’s the same color and it’s thick and curly, but I’m just so upset over it. Maybe there’s something deeper going on and my therapy sessions just haven’t unearthed it yet.
Although my hair has been making me sad, I definitely feel a little detached from cancer currently. I keep trying to think back on treatments and everything but it’s been so long since I’ve been to a doctor’s appointment it’s almost hard to remember that all of this happened to me. I’m not sure if detachment is a good or bad thing, but that’s where I’m at currently. Detached as hell, hating my hair, wishing I had a yoga body (I’m still in there somewhere).
On a happier note, I’ve been doing pretty damn good on my weight loss journey which has definitely given me a lot more confidence and made me feel better about all of this. I’m currently down 14 pounds, which is like throwing a chair off the Titanic but it’s a start! I’ve been making better choices, making it a point to work out, and not eating pizza for every meal. It’s going to be a process but I feel great that this is at least one thing I kind of have under control for the moment.
Getting back into a routine with work and school has been pretty difficult and I have been taking it a lot easier than I was in the beginning. I have decided not to put so much pressure on myself because I went through some shit and I believe that I deserve a little bit of a break. (Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I’ll start to believe it). I am taking full advantage of working for Papa Clabbs though. I try and work 3 days a week and schedule my weekly appointments, like physical therapy and regular therapy around my work schedule, but sometimes it doesn’t work out and I end up working wonky hours. Trying to focus on my health and jumping back full force into school and work all at once wasn’t working, so this is the route I need to take that works for me currently. I’ve also stopped being so hard on myself concerning my grades, to a point. I still want that A but I won’t harp on it now if I don’t get it. There are bigger things to worry about in the world.
I wish I could say something inspiring or funny but I just wanted to keep you all updated like I promised I would. Treatment might be over, but my emotional battle has just begun. I promise that once I’m feeling ready I’ll have a great funny, happy, story posted to make everyone laugh and smile with me again. For now, I need to take some time to sort out my feelings and figure out the next steps on my journey.
Until next time
xx
Kim