Once again sorry for the delay, I’m obviously not doing great with this ‘daily’ blog I so ambitiously stated I would be writing. If only the old me would have known what chemo Kim was like. I guess I will be trying to post every other week, god willing. Good news for this update is that I’m finally halfway through chemo! WHOAA WE’RE HALWAY THERE, WHOAA LIVIN ON A PRAYER. I’ve been wanting to type that out for quite some time now, and if you could currently see me I’m blasting it through my speakers as my dogs stare at me questionably. Halfway came and went and truth be told it really really sucked. All the doctors and nurses told me that the side effects would get worse with each one but I didn’t really believe it until #4 happened. I was unable to do anything for days on end, nausea & fatigue were real downers. Also, unfortunately for me I recently got an apple watch and it really lets you know when you’re not doing anything. As if I didn’t feel bad enough on my own, thanks Steve Jobs.
I think I’ve also finally hit a point where I’m actually starting to just feel sorry for myself, slowly sinking into this awful depression. As I stated before I have decided to take the summer off to just focus on getting better but it has turned into this double-edged sword. I wouldn’t say I’m bored, but there are only so many walks, so many errands, so many TV shows, so many yoga classes to fill the space up in a day. There are days when I am capable of doing more and I just literally can’t think of anything to do so I feel like I’m wasting away a little extra on those days. I can feel myself getting angry at all of this, reverting back to times when I would snap at the drop of a hat. And ya know what, I am angry. This really really sucks. I know I’ve stated how grateful I am for all the good news and don’t get me wrong, I am grateful that there will be an end to all of this shit but for the moment I am mad that there is even a beginning. I’m almost 27 years old and was on the way to getting my Master’s Degree and kinda sorta figuring things out and now I’m here. Here being my childhood bedroom panicked over the fact that now when this is all over I’ll be an extra two years behind everyone else and that just doesn’t seem fair. But what is fair in the world? I now feel like I’m back in middle school angry writing in my Live Journal hoping my crush would see the torments of my life. The only difference being that now I actually have something to be tormented over.
Rant OVER. Happy Kim back. So, another fun little thing that no one really mentioned to me were the wonders of menopause! Oh, yes my friends another wonderful thing that chemo does to you is mess up your ovaries. Remember my 12 eggs in the freezer? Well to further protect my ovaries from this nightmare I get a shot every month to shut them down so now I get to experience everything all your mothers told you about and BOY IS IT EXCITING. My new best friend has been hot flashes. When these happen, I like to announce it loudly to anyone in the vicinity as if I’m warning them of a tornado. HOT FLASH. Now for those of you that don’t know what they feel like, which should be all of my friends since we’re in our 20s and should not be dealing with them, but here is a little preview of what’s to come. It feels like a fire is starting in the middle of your body and radiating outward to every inch of you and you want to rip all your clothes off and jump into a pool of ice. It’s a different type of hot than when it’s hot outside it literally feels like you’re on fire from the inside out. I get them constantly, sometimes when I’m even thinking about them I get them. I now have a fan that plugs into my phone that I can take with me on the go, a fan that plugs into my computer for the days I decide to blog, and a nice little mister filled with cold water next to my bed and I even have a travel sized one for on the go. Very prepared for these volcanic eruptions but they’re still awful nonetheless. I can’t wait til these happen to me again in 20 years, at least I know what to expect. Another thing that goes hand and hand with going on fire is being bald. You would think the less hair the better, which I guess is true in a sense but you will never realize how much you sweat up there until it’s gone. Your hair must catch so much sweat on the daily that it’s actually repulsive, at least now I can just wipe it off but it is really remarkable how much a head can sweat in a day. So I retract anything bad I’ve ever said about bald men sweating, I feel your beady drops of pain now.
Being bald has become a stress again recently. I just keep thinking about that awkward growing in period. Everyone says that chemo curls are real, and my hair is already curly. I’m not really ready to rock a fro, nor do I think I have the body type for that (yoga body is currently on hold). I keep looking at photos of people’s hair growth after cancer and it takes a damn long time for that to grow back. I know I have my wigs but sometimes they’re hot and annoying. The thought of having to wear it until my hair grows back is stressful. I know there are extensions and things to do cause trust me I’m getting them all when I can. Getting fake eyebrows, fake eyelashes and obviously fake boobs ;) but you never realize how much you need your hair until it’s gone.
On a positive note, I have reached the minimum goal of $1,800 for the Avon 39 Walk To End Breast Cancer so thank you to everyone who has donated. I am not done raising money for the cause and have upped my personal goal to $3,000. I would greatly appreciate anything you could donate. Once again, the link to donate is here.
I do apologize for the debbie downer mood of this post, but I told you all I wasn’t holding anything back. I let you into my adventure which includes my good and bad. The past two weeks have been mostly filled with crying and sulking. I’m sure my mood will perk up soon but for now I’m really bummed with this shit I was handed. I don’t find it fair and I won’t hide the fact that I’m angry. I just want it all to be over now. This doesn’t mean I’m going to stop fighting, it just means that the smile is not on my face.
xx
Kim