The deed is done. I am currently writing this out now as a full blown bald bitch. To tell you the truth, the whole experience was not as bad as I chocked it up to be. I went in for my second chemo treatment last Monday and that day I decided I was ready for my hair to go. The night before in the shower I was losing a lot more than normal and I was definitively not ready to watch it fall out in chunks. After treatment, we drove straight to this salon called Racine’s which does amazing things for cancer patients. They open their salon on Monday’s to people who are going through treatment and allow them to get services for free. It’s incredible and everyone I have interacting to at the salon has been amazing. They have a documentary on HBO that won an Academy Award if you want to check it out; it’s called Mondays at Racine. I have not watched it yet for obvious reasons but will try as soon as I’m ready. Unfortunately, when we pulled up on Monday the salon was closed due to renovations. So, we called first thing on Tuesday morning and made an appointment to shave it all off. When we got to the salon on Tuesday I really thought there was a good chance I wouldn’t get out of the car, but armed with my headscarf I walked in. The owner was there to greet us with arms wide open, she sat us down to explain all that their salon offers to patients and to prepare me for the inevitable emotions involved with hair loss. I was honestly just ready to get it over with at this point. They spun me around so I wasn’t facing the mirror and started buzzing. I literally didn’t shed one tear during the entire experience and once it was gone I felt free. Now a week later and I wouldn’t still say I feel free, but I definitely don’t hate it as much as I thought I would. I've surprisingly been walking around bald more than not. I’ve even been to yoga and taken my hat off and just been a full on bald yogi. It’s almost empowering, like yes, I AM BALD and I like it. It’s also probably alarming how at peace I feel with looking like one of those awful characters from the new season of Orange is the New Black. All I need is a face tattoo and I probably could get hired to be on the next season. It’s also almost alarming how little people tend to look when I’m actually bald. I did get my first second take with a snicker from some teenagers the other day at Dick’s Sporting Goods. I was walking around in one of my beanies but my head was starting to itch so I ripped it off and decided to continue shopping. Also, does chemo make you spend more money? Listen, I have always had a major spending problem where I don’t know how to keep money in my wallet but recently I have been excessively splurging. I purchased furry slides yesterday, FURRY SLIDES. I’m really taking this Kardashian thing far. Anyway, as I was feeding my spending habit two little teenagers were checking out some slogan t-shirts and saw me. Well, one of them saw me and then “whispered” to her friend to look at the inmate walking around aisle 3 (the inmate would be me). It took all of my might not to scream “I have cancer, that is why I’m bald, you little ...” I’ll stop before I get myself in trouble. Although it was extremely uncomfortable and felt a little bad, I wasn’t about to cry about it. I just decided to put my hat back on and continued purchasing everything in sight.
Shockingly I actually feel more uncomfortable in my wigs than I do with nothing on. The wigs make me feel like I’m trying to trick everyone, including myself. On Thursday I took my curly wig out for a test drive and we drove out to Greenport for a little day trip. I was uncomfortable from the second I got in the car. Have you ever tried to wear sunglasses and a wig? It’s impossible. I felt like I was hiding from the paparazzi the entire day with how much adjusting of my sunglasses I had to do. Are you supposed to put it under the wig? Are you supposed to put it over the wig? Still kind of clueless. I had a full-blown meltdown outside of the IGA after we went in to get sunscreen cause I forgot to put it on before we left. Oh, yea and if I haven’t mentioned it before I am extremely sensitive to the sun now. One day I sat outside for literally 10 minutes, if not less, to shove my face with a bagel, and I was lobster red for days. Well, I calmed down a little and managed to try out my wig for a mediocre lunch. Afterwards, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and once again tears were had. I think it’s all going to take some time to get used to. I actually ended up going to try on some other wigs today because I’ve been feeling so uncomfortable in the ones I have. I tried on a human hair wig today and it was like a whole new world. It looked so real I tricked myself. It’s night and day from the synthetic ones I have. They even have something inside the top of it that makes it look like you have a real part and can see scalp. When you’re holding it, it straight up looks like something out of an Indian horror movie. Obviously to aide my shopping problem, I purchased one. It comes in on Friday and I can’t wait to rock it.
This round I was definitely a lot more tired, it took more energy to do things that shouldn’t. I purchased my dad a hammock for Father’s Day and on Wednesday I tried to get into it and felt like I had run a marathon. I’m trying to stay active when I can, I’ve been continuing on my yoga quest, I went for an 11-mile bike ride yesterday and I plan on trying out a barre class for the first time tonight. I’m unstoppable! Just kidding, I am very stoppable in the active department but there is one department I have been unstoppable in lately, that would be the food department. I’ve been getting such intense food cravings lately I’m pretty much a pregnant woman. I can’t even remember the last time I had raviolis, probably when I was like 15, but this week I was craving some saucy cheesy delicious raviolis. I satisfied my craving and I regret nothing. I read that the steroids that they put me in could make me extremely hungry. “A constant hunger that cannot be satisfied,” as someone on a discussion board described is exactly what I feel like. My yoga body might be in danger. SOS.
Only 6 more treatments left, which doesn’t feel like that long. 6 is so much better than 8. I’ve already been making so many plans for when this is all over. It’s nice to have stuff to look forward to, to plan for. I am extremely grateful that there is an end in sight. In 9 months, you can find me sitting on a beach on a tropical island with a drink in hand with some sort of hair, new boobs, and hopefully a yoga body.
xoxo
Baldy