Apologies as I’ve been on a slight hiatus from writing the past few weeks. My emotional rollercoaster has been under some renovations after it was stuck on the low end of the ride. I’ve decided to put a slight smile on my face for the day to update you all on the past few weeks. I am currently sitting in the chemo chair getting treatment #7; the second this IV is out of my arm I officially only have one left. Yes, you read that correctly. My last treatment is on September 11th which does not seem fitting but I’ve given up on any dates this year. Everything is on a temporary pause including birthdays and holidays. Today I am sitting in a different part of Sloan, I do not have my own room, I am pretty much in a hallway on the old side, which hasn’t been great for my emotional status since I pretty much cry over everything. Also, please forgive me if I seem to be jumping from place to place today, since I don’t have my own room I can hear every single conversation going on and if you know me I love eavesdropping to begin with so this has proven to be a challenge for me. I don’t have my sunglasses on so everyone can tell that I am blatantly starring and listening to their conversations and this is probably not the place to be doing that.
Since I now have 2 and a half Taxol’s under my belt I can now consider myself a professional and I will continue explaining to you in full detail all about the wonders of this terrible terrible drug. So, I left out an important part of the experience last time I wrote. After the one hour of pre-meds, I sit with the Taxol for three hours and during those three hours I have to keep my hands and feet inside ice. Sounds like it would be great for my hot flashes, right? Nope, it’s so uncomfortable, mostly on my hands though. Surprisingly my feet haven’t bothered me at all, and I’ve been able to keep my feet in the ice for almost the entire three hours. The last time I came in though the nurse was so shocked that I was doing it barefoot although I thought that’s how I thought you were supposed to do it. I haven’t changed it up for treatment #7 though cause if it’s worked for the last two times then why change it now. The reason for this ice therapy is to prevent neuropathy, which is when the nerves in your fingers and toes die and they become numb. This isn’t a permanent thing but it does take a while for the nerves to grow back so they use the ice to prevent this. It also is supposed to help your nails not fall off which is something I have been on the verge of. My nails have turned this weird brown color and it looks like there’s little bruises on them. Chemo has taken my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes and yoga body so let’s all collectively throw our hands in the air and say a prayer that I can keep my fingernails.
I also haven’t been handling Taxol well at all, I would much rather go through the AC treatments all over again than have to spend another day here doing Taxol. The side effects are AWFUL. My bones and joints feel like they’re breaking at every time of day. Last time was even worse; I had to get another neulasta shot to up my white blood count which already gives you so much pain on its own and mixed with the Taxol it’s lethal. Also, am I even spelling Taxol right? Some places say Taxol some say Taxel. Who knows, but take that Taxol, spelling your name wrong and I don't even care cause you suck. Anyway, the week after the second treatment was a straight up nightmare. I could barely walk, I literally fell down the stairs once which was very awkward considering it was in public. I had friends over from Boston for the weekend and I felt awful because all I wanted to do was sleep and lay because I was in so much pain. I really really just want this shit to be over so I can get back to some sort of normalcy.
Something else that happened today was that I broke out in hives in the chemo chair during the Benedryl portion. They had some trouble finding my veins in my hands to begin with so they stuck me a few times in the arm before finding a place that worked. Remember how I said getting stuck with a horse tranquilizer sized needle in the hand was not fun, well getting stuck with a horse tranquilizer sized needle in the forearm is a million times worse. I can barely bend my arm, even having it hit against my laptop right now is awful. But that’s what this relationship is about right, sacrifice. I sit here in pain writing for you guys and you sacrifice a few minutes out of your day to read. WE’RE ON A TEAM OK? I love you.
The nurses were kind of bewildered when the hives started showing because they give you the Benedryl to prevent the hives and there I was breaking out in hives while getting the Benedryl. Go figure. All they could do was flush my veins with some more Sodium Chloride until it went away and then started me back up on some of the pre-meds. Always an adventure with Kim Clabby.
So enough about Taxol, I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship and I’d rather not talk about it anymore. Let’s move on to the Monday’s at Racines program again. I went again the day before my last treatment and it was wonderful. They were running a little behind for my pedicure so they threw in a few more wonderful treatments to bide my time. I went from a manicure to an unanticipated and kind of unwanted meditation session. Which looking back on is exactly when my breakdowns started happening. I went into the meditation session half rolling my eyes and not knowing what to expect but the lady was so nice and comforting that I decided to give it a shot. We sat very close together in a room that looked like it was used for facials. She talked me through the steps and what to expect during and after. We closed our eyes and I focused on my breath. We only did it for about seven minutes but it felt like two. Once I was out of it she asked me how I felt and I immediately broke down into ugly sobs. I have NO clue why that happened and it still kind of weirds me out. I don’t know you lady, we barely even spoke and now you’re trying to console me, so awkward. She told me that this kind of thing happens a lot with patients who try and be strong and try and hold everything in. After letting your mind relax it all just floods out and now I cry constantly. Last week I literally was a water fountain. I cried pretty much every day all day. There weren’t even trigger moments it was just constant tears. I think it’s a mixture of a lot of things. The plastic surgery was and still is looming over me. The increase in steroids along with all the other drugs I’m on has made me gain some weight. I spoke to the nurse about this today and she said that it’s very normal to gain weight. GREAT, wanna tell that to my pants so they know to give me some leeway for the next few weeks. I’m going to become Regina George shortly and wear sweatpants every day, “These sweatpants are all that fit me right now.” Because of my allergic reaction to the Taxol the first time, on top of the steroids I get while I'm sitting in the chair, they have put me on extra steroids to take two days before and two days after treatment. The steroids alone make you retain extra water weight and they also mess with your appetite as I have told you before. I have the appetite of a medium sized elephant. The steroids also make you crave carbs like you can not believe. I have never been a huge carb lover, besides for pizza. But normally I don't eat bagels or pasta or all the things normal Long Islanders love, but recently I have found a new home at Broadway Deli and I could probably eat three bagels a day if I allowed myself. I also LOVE ravoli's and pasta, like how have I deprived myself of this deliciousness for so long. This with the decreased mobility thanks to my old lady bones and the water retention I look like Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka in the Chocolate Factory after she blows up from eating the gum she was told not to. Thankfully I played her in the 8th grade play so I know exactly how this went down. Unfortunately my face is not purple but some buttons might have blown off a shirt or two. I know this weight gain isn't permanent, I mean hell, I know this whole situation isn't permanent, but it just sucks to have to add another misery to the list. And I am not about to run out and buy some bigger clothes, so excuse me if I'm looking like a homeless person for a few weeks while we work this out.
I also was under the assumption when all of this started that I would lose some weight considering everyone tells you, you can't really eat on chemo but here I am, the anti-chemo. I read online that it also does wonders for your skin, well good news guys I broke out like a wild woman after my first Taxol treatment, I called the nurse to let her know that I had as I called it "extreme acne." Thankfully my mother was in the next room and heard me and ran in to yell through the phone that I was lying. Just call me Kim Drama Clabby. But hey, thankfully as a child I never had acne so to me a patch of about 6 real huge pimples in a beautiful cluster on my forehead is as close to acne as I would like to get. They finally went away with a few minor break outs here and there, but there are worse things that could happen so I'm moving on.
So, we’ve been having some issues regarding the plastic surgery, I met with a plastic surgeon a few weeks ago from Sloan. He was very nice and very too the point. He was also very against a lot of things I thought were going to happen. He told me there is absolutely no way I can keep my nipples, KAY. I need those sooo... Also, he told me I can’t make my boobs any smaller. KAY I WANT THAT. He also said I didn’t have enough fat to make my boobs, which I guess I’ll take as a compliment but also like I thought I would be able to get at least some lipo out of this deal but I guess not. We knew we had to get a bunch of different opinions but it stressed me out to go somewhere else because I feel like I’m at Sloan so I should be getting the best of the best and I didn’t really want to veer from the originally plan. Sloan is very strict about switching doctors inside Sloan and my breast surgeon only works with a few different doctors and will not work outside of Sloan so it really didn’t leave me in a great position. Last week I met with another breast surgeon from Weill Cornell, the same place that I did my egg freezing, full circle! She was amazing and very knowledgeable. She explained everything in such detail and everything she said sounded AMAZING. They can cut me underneath my boob so I won’t have those ugly scars across my entire chest, if you want to see some images head to google there are millions. On top of hiding the scar she said they can test my nipple while I’m under and if there are no signs of cancer they’re keeping it. HUZZAH. There’s also a possibility that I can use my own tissue fat for the surgery and she suggested we see two different plastic surgeons that she works with regularly, one specializes in just implants. This plastic surgeon also happens to be my gyno’s wife who was the one who first started me on this journey. The other plastic surgeon specializes in flap surgery, he’s the one who would let me know if I’m a candidate for this type of surgery. There are other reasons I want this surgery as opposed to implants. I want something that looks real, I know I know, so many people have fake boobs and they look so real now but I just feel more comfortable using my own tissue. Also, if I gain or lose weight with the tissue surgery, my boobs will grow or shrink with me, like a real boob. That’s awesome, because I yo-yo weight all the time. Who knows, two months down the line I could get that yoga body I’ve been talking about (HAHAHAHAH LAUGH WITH ME). I know the implants are safe but I’d also rather not have a foreign object in my body, we saw today how well my body handles things that should be normal, I broke out from Benadryl EYE ROLL. There’s also the possibility I would have to get them replaced or touched up every ten years if I get implants, I am 26 years old for anyone that has forgotten, that’s A LOT of surgeries that seem very unnecessary if I can avoid them. It’s really not all about getting lipo, I swear. The downside of the flap surgery is that the recovery time is a lot longer and the scars are not so pretty. Thankfully my stomach still hasn’t blown up to full pregnant belly so they wouldn’t be able to take from there, but if that was the case that scar runs from hip to hip. It’s not cute. If they opt for my leg that scar runs from knee to groin on the inner thigh, also not so pretty but I’ve never been much of a shorts girl anyway so who cares. SCARS BUILD CHARACTER, says people covered in scars. Ready to join your ranks, let me in!
I’m just anxiously awaiting these appointments and praying that they’ll give me some good news. I really just want the surgery to happen already so I can check it off my box. It’s the one thing I’m honestly looking forward to. It’s the added radiation that makes me nervous. It’ll be another long drawn out process that will just leave me waiting for months and months for the final surgery and to finally close this chapter. I really am sick and tired of all this and want to get back to a normal life, a normal routine. I want to be able to go to the gym and run if I feel like it, I want to be able to go on trips and make plans for the future, but for the moment I’m stuck with my fingers crossed hoping that this will all be over soon. So if you all can take a moment and cross your fingers with me and just hope for one second that this process can move a little faster and have a positive outcome, I’d appreciate it.
And on the subject on appreciation. HOLY CRAP GUYS, I have raised $6,144 for the Avon Walk. That is so much money I wish I could keep it. Just kidding. I am so happy that you all joined me to try and end this disease. I can’t thank you all enough for the incredible support I have received, it’s been incredibly overwhelming and it honestly brings a smile on my face to know that I have people who care about me. For that I am extremely grateful. Big shout out to my godmother who has taken this donation thing above and beyond, she’s been writing letters to her friends telling them about my story and has raised $1,500+ for me. So thank you Aunt Joanne, you’re a rock star and I promise we will go to yoga ASAP.
If you want to donate and haven’t already you can click the link here to get to my personal page. Anything and everything is greatly appreciated.
Despite all the setbacks today, it’s been good. I officially have one treatment left; I am so much closer to the finish line than I was a few months ago, even a few weeks ago and it feels good. I can not wait to slam the book closed on my chemo chapter because it truly has been a miserable experience but hey if it worked, how can I really complain.
Til next time
Xoxo
Kim